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"Mayor Fisk Cancels Debate on Obama's Stimulating Package"
"Mayor Fisk Cancels Debate on Obama's Stimulating Package"
Beaver Pond, Vermont
February 27, 2009
Today Beaver Pond Mayor Bibs Fisk announced that she had removed a proposal noticed as "An Act on Barack Obama's Stimulating Package" from the agenda for next week's town meeting. This measure, proposed by Liza Little, and backed by a majority of the residents of the Hot Damn trailer park, was presumed to initiate a conversation on the federal stimulus package recently passed by Congress and signed into law by President Obama. However, when Little presented the specific language of the measure to Fisk earlier this week, it became apparent that the topic would not concern the expected influx of federal monies, but rather Little's fascination with President Obama's, shall we say, masculine body parts.
When asked whether the removal of this item from the agenda would result in a lower than expected turnout at this year's town meeting, Fisk said she "hoped not," and asserted that there were still "a number of large and exciting issues to tackle."
For instance, Mayor Fisk stated that among the remaining issues to be acted upon by Beaver Pond's residents was a proposed ordinance to prohibit the implantation of more than 3 fertilized embryos in a female's uterus. This proposal was submitted following the outrage surrounding Nadya Sulemon's, the infamous "Octomom," giving birth to eight children (bringing her total to 14) as a result of artificial conception. The mayor noted that this would likely be a contentious issue, as there was already some concern about whether the measure, as currently worded, applied to the artificial impregnation of domesticated animals.
Another agenda item seeks to amend a local ordinance which provides the Beaver Pond Board of Health (BPBoH) with the authority to recall products manufactured or sold within town limits if they are deemed to pose health risks. This proposal was submitted by Nurse Anne Thrax, administrator of the Lady Zeno Groinacological Free Clinic, in response to the recent salmonella outbreak caused by the improper handling of pork byproducts at the Beaver Pond Pork By Product Plant (BPPBP). The outbreak was reportedly traced back to the plant's "I Can't Believe it's Snout" sandwich spread and the ever-popular "Pigs Lips" pork flavored lip balm. Nurse Ann Thrax asserted, in support of her proposal, "Never again will a child suffer the ill effects of an improperly treated pig rectum."
Citizens will also have the opportunity to vote on a measure recently added to the agenda in response to television's February 17, 2009 conversation to digital broadcasts. Not surprisingly, many Beaver Pond residents were taken by surprise when their rabbit ear and roof-mounted antennas no longer worked. The proposed measure authorizes Mayor Fisk to negotiate with local television stations for the return of analog broadcasts.
Finally, with due regard to the current fiscal crisis, Mayor Fisk wishes to remind all citizens that it is time for Beaver Pond "to do more with less." To that end, Fisk has proposed a number of cost saving measures, including implementing a four-day week at Beaver Pond schools, cuts in Officer Sandy Leachfield's active-duty hours, and a reduction in the hours of operation at the Edna St. Vincent LeMay Laundromat, Community Center & Lint Museum (ESVLLCCLM). When asked whether she felt these cutbacks in municipal services would have a negative impact on the standards of living for Beaver Pond residents, Fisk remarked, "Their standards can't get much lower than they already are."
Beaver Pond's town meeting is scheduled to begin at 9:15 AM on March 3, 2009 at the Beaver Pond Elementary School (BPES). As a reminder to those who plan to attend the annual potluck luncheon, please remember to bring a dish to share. Due to cutbacks, this year the event is BYOB.
Reported by the Beaver Weekly News